(But: Ugh, what�s the point of keeping a diary under such self-censoring conditions? And how does it represent being above the fray for me essentially to say Boo hoo, if I write about things as and how I am experiencing them, then people might mock me. No, it�s better, for "people" read "people I don�t even know." How old do you have to get before it stops being all about the popular kids?)

The girl who will be taking my place at my desk lists as a bullet point on her resume, under Skills or whatever, her experience using many different kinds of fax machines. I went to the gym and a guy kept following me around and whenever I sat down on a machine or bench that faced a mirror, he�d stand next to me and try to catch my eye in it as he licked his hands, pantomimed rubbing them slowly over his package, and did a sort of bellydance in place. The apartment is cleaner and tidier than it�s been since I�ve lived there, and the disgusting shower curtains are finally gone. I have no idea where or with whom I�m going to watch the Oscars.

I�m making plans. I�m willing to consider things, to suck it up and not be such a baby and to make that directive be less like rebuke and more like, like, like a challenge? Something like that. I�m gearing up. I�ve got a line on how one might find the vein of honor in resignation and regrouping. I�m going places, eventually, and in the meantime attempting to cast off some shit that frankly hasn�t been doing me much good � old prejudices, dead stringencies. You know.

I�m getting cheesed off by "wail on" instead of "whale on," which lately I have seen deployed a handful of times by people � employed critics, even! � who should know better. I Googled and got 1180 for "whaled on" and 4030 for "wailed on" � an imperfect experiment, to be sure, because you might be doing the latter, for instance, like Aerosmith or a babysitting charge; my first attempt used the present tense of both verbs but the pages listed all concerned cetaceans. The incorrect usage though does seem to be the more popular. (You know who I�d love to be able to cluck about this with? Mary H.)

I�m not feeling well today. Let me know if you want to come pick me up after class at nine and take me home. New York Thursday through Sunday � I�ll try to come back and say hi before then.

Just deleted a paragraph. Not feeling well at all. But, note to self: the extent to which being here among the petty bureaucrats has made me aware of the difference between people who, at work, want to do a good job at something and people who want to have been right. Headache, stomachache, otherache, goodbye.

Catharine, I miss you, too.