IT IS NOT EASY�

To apologize,
To begin over,
To be unselfish,
To take advice,
To admit error,
To face a sneer,
To be charitable,
To keep trying,
To be considerate,
To avoid mistakes,
To endure success,
To profit by mistakes,
To forgive and forget,
To think and then act,
To keep out of a rut,
To make the best of little,
To subdue an unruly temper,
To shoulder a deserved blame,
To recognize the silver lining �

BUT IT ALWAYS PAYS.

Number one, WTF? Who did this? Number two, it always pays to face a sneer? No it does not. Number three, shut the fuck up, there is no call for anyone to be calling me on any of these things or suggesting that I need to work on them; I will have you know that since my conscription into service here I have happily eaten shit at an average rate that approaches once an hour. This isn�t success I�m enduring.

I had a fine old time in New York. I went to the art opening and museums, some touristy attractions, and many, many bars. Also to a play about hysterectomies, because I know the guy who built the sets, and to H&M, where I found spiffy-looking pants that actually seem to fit � who knew? Steve and I were ridiculously oversubscribed. We lugged our laptops in our carry-on bags and didn�t touch them the whole time we were there. I met a gay guy whom El*sabeth Shu* macks on when she�s in town and a down-to-earth dog-walker named Laura, visiting from San Francisco, who had my same birthday. A picture of my legs got taken and may go on the wall of a restaurant. I got busted by the TSA for taking pictures in the airport. My coat somehow became filthy, crusted over with gray-brown grime � is that normal in Manhattan? � and it is enjoying a few days� hiatus at the dry cleaner. I ate a cannoli and, for the record, I have now decided that I�m fat so I am on some kind of fruits-and-vegetables diet for the near future. While we were having brunch in the West Village on Sunday, a guy who works in this same office, really! (but he is one of the lawyers, all but one of whom are assholes, and though I saw him recognize me he was not inclined to say hi), was a few tables over eating with friends. We failed to make live contact with Matt P.

Having been this administratively preoccupied here in temp hell has aroused in me a peculiar strain of malaise and defeat, since in the past no matter the extent to which the temp gig robbed me of my dignity there was always enough slack time for me to diarize on a regular basis and so, Sisyphus-like, to keep on stealing it back. As a defense, I�m starting to try to start to work etc. on some buck-up-little-camper projects at home. And soon, I�m smelling within about two weeks because she comes in for the negotiation meeting tomorrow, Faxy Lady will take my place and assume the position. (On the bright side: Although I will be panicking that I don�t know who will be paying me next, and for how long and what, I also don�t know that I�ll ever have been gladder to have an assignment come to an end.) There�s talk about moving, which you know how desperately I�ve been wanting to do, but now that Steve is willing to consider it I seem to have cold feet, I am wondering whether in the midst of so much malaise and defeat � and though I try I am, yes, referring to the overarching kind � any stability is good stability. It�s been a comfort to be able to walk both to Capitol Hill and downtown, my cat is a new man now that he has access to a large yard and often an open window to climb out of to get there, the beet stains under my fingernails for instance attest to the fact that I�ve become acclimated or at least resigned to the kitchen situation, I can go work in a library or an internet caf� when I need to get work done, and you can�t beat the rent. So I don�t know.

WTF II: Word�s spellchecker has no objection to "diarize."

I may have to pull an all-nighter tonight. I�m ditching class to go to let�s call it the meeting of a professional organization to which I belong. I thought that the take-home midterm was due next week, but I checked the syllabus and I was wrong, it�s due tonight so I�m going to have to come home � tortuously via bus, because the meeting (a) is in Bellevue and (b) starts at six so I don�t have time to go get the car and then slog through traffic � and then pound the thing out before midnight. Then I have to put together an application packet, due tomorrow, for a short-term no-middleman temp gig in another node of the organization whose phones I�m currently answering, which it turns out is as thorough as though I were joining the Secret Service. Driving record, background and credit check, list of all employers and addresses for the past ten years, seven references� criminy. All for a few months as a low-level functionary and report writer. (But note that I neither ask for nor deserve your sympathy, because if I�d cracked the laptop while I was away I would have known all this already.) Also, there was an article for the next issue of the newsletter that no one wanted to write so I brown-nosingly volunteered, and that�s due Thursday. Tomorrow night I have to make my way to the UW computer lab and catch up on the assignments for the Saturday class I missed while I was living like a rock star on the other coast. Thursday I have to do something, I forget what. Next week � sit down � I might finally be meeting the Somerset.