� Italo Calvino, in "If on a winter's night a traveler" (thanks and � damn � eternal-springing admiration to Amy for passing this along)

I�m officially hired at the hosp starting Monday, and although I get no vacation time or sick leave or benefits or food (ha ha just kidding) until September, the one perk is real actual paid holidays. My first one will be Memorial Day, and I had been trying to think of something sufficiently grand and celebratory and self-magnanimous to do with it, and this morning with the help of Mrs. Roboto I finally figured it out: she and I are going to spend the afternoon at a women-only spa she likes in Tacoma. I understand that for you Pacific Northwest residents, "spa" and "Tacoma" in the same sentence may be difficult to get your brain around, but Mrs. R. has been there before and likes it a lot and promises that the body scrub is amazing. You make a reservation for the treatments you want and you can hang out as long as you like � buck naked! I can�t wait � lolling about in sauna rooms and hot tubs. And that, friends, is how I plan to spend my first paid holiday in well over a year. And also, by the way, I�m betting I won�t be able to write on Monday because the orientation lasts a full away-from-desk day; apparently learning how to fill out a time card is tantamount to rocket science. I have to buy a white skirt this weekend. I believe I already have the appropriate shade of lipstick.

Here are the "names" of some of the people who sent spam to my Hotmail account in the last few days: Tasha Bolduc, Lloyd Bolly (which is almost an anagram), Timea Craddock, Selma Casodonte, Arabella Bloodworth, Cyril Rutledge, Felipe Levine (my favorite), Merrill Goldsmith, and Beatrice Salinas. Don�t they sound like they should populate a slightly bohemian yet thoroughly upper-crust hunting party? I dig spam as much as anyone does, but it�s interesting to keep an eye on trends in names and subject headers � it�s interesting to realize that even spam culture is at the mercy of trends � and to wonder which ones are the most successful, because you know someone is keeping track of these things. And here is my vote for e-mail of the day:

From: my sister
To: me and some other chicks
Subject: so, my boss just found my bottle of paul newman salad dressing in the fridge...

"I used to use paul newman salad dressing, too, when I was young and single," she said. "but now I get my pleasure from other sources."

what the hell does that *mean*??? I would have asked, but I was too scared.

So OK there is a subject that I have resolved to stay away from in this forum and it is what goes on in the shrinkydink�s office. But. Yesterday as I was handing over my check I finally asked Number Two if I could start coming every two weeks rather than every week. At first she didn�t understand me and she asked if I needed "a break." I said no no, it�s just that I�m feeling so much better about myself and my life and what I wanted to fix when I came here is starting to chug right along and for the past couple times I�ve been having trouble coming up with things that feel like they need some dealing with and some talking over. I said, I feel like the work is close to done. She said: I�m surprised to hear you say that, because to me it seems like we�re just beginning to get somewhere, we�ve really only started. It�s easy to take the tack of cynicism and say Well no shit that�s going to be her response when she�s the one getting that check every week, but then again she is bound by professional ethics and we must assume that these are what motivate her. Besides, I like Number Two. It is my choice not to be suspicious of her. But I was flabbergasted at the difference in our perspectives on my mental health. I mean, think about how screwed up and screwed up tight I was when I started going to see her. Everything I realized was fucked is now � seems to me now � to be either better or well on the way to getting better. I am speaking in generalities because in the interest of discretion this time, the specifics are another list I don�t feel like making. Job situation, acceptance of job situation, money situation, self-loathing, confusion and small-scale hysteria over gradual horrorshow of bust-up, career uncertainty, relationships with family members, relationships with friends, sticking up for my self-interest, the extreme-sports version of procrastinating: check and double-check, in every case I have made big progress and where I have not fixed them I have acquired the tools to keep working on them. I sleep better and I breathe easier and I no longer feel like my life = a thing that sucks. So how can Number Two think that this is all piddly shit � that part hurts my feelings, even � and what on earth can she think I have still to conquer that is holding me exponentially farther back? Number Two asked me to come back next Wednesday instead of the Wednesday after and we will talk about the *possibility* of scaling me back, and I was so taken aback by her reaction to my question that I relented and said OK, even though I don�t want to. As I left she said that perhaps what�s going on here is a difference between her agenda and mine, and I guess that�s what�s on the menu for next time. (*Her* agenda?!) My agenda was to get over the condition of misery and paralysis and self-judgment, and I think in the last few months I have. I feel good and I am not bullshitting myself about that like longtime readers of this space have seen me bullshit myself so many times in the past. I guess what I don�t understand is why her vote counts at least equally as much as mine. Is she going to tell me that I do not really feel better, that part of me is really still miserable and in denial about it, that the sense of resolution I got from the epiphany of My Brunch With Adam is self-rationalization in sheep�s clothing (she was frowning when I told her about that)? Sorry, but no. Ask anyone who knows me, Number Two, I�m the superhero version of who I was when I first skulked sniveling into your office. I want to start using those superpowers on myself.

And that�s another thing � at the end of the session, just before I�d pop the question, she brought up her concern that maybe I am not fully "accessing" my feelings, like for instance about my ch-ch-childhood. About that and other things she didn�t think I�d done my fair share of crying. But I think I have, in spades; actually I almost laughed to think of myself as being on the stoic end of the spectrum, her other clients must be a bunch of puddles. (She also asked me if I was always honest with her, which threw me for such a loop � of course I am, Fool, who do you think is paying for all this?) Who is she to say I am not feeling things to the extent I should be feeling them? I realize she�s a trained professional, but has she installed a listening device in my cerebral cortex? And this "should" is problematic � remember that Lauren Slater article from the NYT Magazine a few months back. Number Two thought it was problematic that when I was sitting on her sofa and suddenly all having emotions, my response to that would be to try to describe them rather than by giving vent to them and (I have not seen the SNL skit that Amy refers to, but I know what she�s getting at by doing so), but this is what I do, this, this is what I already am, it is with the words to a thing that I make myself understand where I am in relation to it. Catharine, you know this. I�m a taxonomist, and I�m not going to buy into the mindset that taxonomy is the manifestation of a fear reflex from something else that is purer and has more integrity. Maybe that�s why my feelings were hurt, because it was clear that whatever clinical training she has in relativism, she also believes I�m doing something wrong or less than honestly or that I�m not trying hard enough.

Ultimately, I know, since I am the one writing the checks, I�m the one who gets to call the shots, and if I want to get therapized every two weeks or every month or not at all, it�s my call � I�d be putting my money, so to speak, where my mouth was, the way I lived my life would be both argument and proof. And I have no problem with that. I am 100% sure that I could walk away now and be fine. But I would like it if she would agree with me.

(Why does it matter to me that she agree with me? I know I�m right and that�s enough.)

She also asked me, on what seemed a weirdly shaky pretext, what my opinion was about dudes and strip clubs, how I would feel if someone I was dating chose occasionally to patronize one. Would that be a violation of trust, would I respect him less, would I doubt his affection and love for me? Then if I was maybe starting to get an inkling of whether this Steve character might be some kind of serious prospect. On the one hand: ha ha ha ha ha stop you�re killing me. On the other: Wait, I�m paying for this. On the whole, it was a very unsatisfying hour.

I�m not going to worry about it, though. I�ll go next week and I�ll make my case and fundamentally I don�t give a rat�s ass if she�s on my side or not, because it�s my fucking side. Also yesterday, I stood up to one of the medical residents. As you know, they�re mostly a rude and snotty bunch but this one takes the snotty cake and I have snottily tangled with him in the past. He is planning a party for some of the other residents and wanted to send all of them a few possible times and dates and then have them respond via e-mail � to me! � and have me "coordinate" which date and time was most acceptable to the highest number of the most important people. He said, "Dr. Blahblah said that you would handle this, so I�m just checking to make sure it�s all right." I said, "Well, let�s back up. Did Dr. Blahblah in fact say that I would handle this, or are you checking to make sure it�s OK? Because you see how one excludes the other � if Dr. Blahblah said I would handle it, then I will, but if it�s me you are asking, it is not OK at all. I just want to be clear about the circumstances of your inquiry." Ooh I was brilliant, I didn�t give him an inch. How the conversation ended was with him sighing deeply and whining that Well maybe he could plan his own party if he had to, but it was such an inconvenience and he was so very busy, and besides he was going to be away all next week� "Hey, have a great vacation," I told him pleasantly.