Then there are the writers who infest the web.

� Jeff Koyen, in "All The Useless People," NY Press today

Don�t buy the generic Tupperware intending to use it for anything that might leak, because I�m here to tell you it will. And don�t send people e-mail in the morning after you�ve just slunk in an hour late gloating that none of the doctors appear to be in and describing the day you intend to have in which the crossword puzzle and Monster.com figure prominently, because they will and you won�t, and the vending machine will even eat your quarters to teach you a lesson. Everything I know in life, I learned in the gastroenterology clinic.

No really � I am sorry to sound aggrieved because that is not how I feel today. I was going for rueful and missed. And part of the reason I�ve been so busy today is that Dr. Carpool � she�s the one with the pretty laugh � is all kinds of stressed out with too many things to do, and I am appreciating her today for always treating with me respect and like a person same as she is (and I don�t mean that to sound whiny either, at least not only whiny), so I knocked myself out a bit on her behalf, being much more eager-beaverish than usual. I also like Dr. Carpool because sometimes she�s working on things and comes into my office with a very serious expression on her face and says, "I need a word," and she tells me the context and I find what she�s after. She doesn�t even walk away if I toss in an etymological discursion. What�s not to like?

I�ll be drinking and dishing within less than four hours. Clock, why dost thou mock me? Haircut 6:30, get cash, run home to change and drop off the car and call my good friends at Yellow Cab. I did the crossword today while standing in front of the photocopier, which is what I call multitasking. On Thursday I have to have a formal interview with the HR manager for Gastro, a Knit Separate who is not informed of the daily workings of this division. She�s the one who broached the question of web work for overtime a few weeks back, but on the other hand she�s also the one who got snippy with me when I responded to her assignment to go to new-employee orientation by saying Um nobody has ever done anything like offer me a job or tell me about benefits and it doesn�t feel cool for me that I don�t really seem to be involved in the process of my getting hired; then she said Well then maybe we should re-post the job requisition that was taken down weeks ago because we assumed you were going permanent and maybe while we�re at it we should have some other candidates in and see if they might not be better fits to work here. (Oh, suck my left one. And by all means, let�s do get that psycho chick from the Bible college back for a second interview.) She also said, and this pisses me off but only in the what-can-you-do sense that you have to let go of or else you�ll end up with high blood pressure, that my salary is to be the same figure that was quoted to me by the previous HR manager � isn�t turnover a gas? � as towards the low-to-medium end of the scale for this position, and she told me she�d have to take a look at my resume again to make sure that my qualifications merit even that. A more obviously idle threat I have seldom heard. But again, I�m going to try hard not to let it get to me. With what they�re going to pay me and my resources which are a vastly flatter cushion than they used to be but a cushion nonetheless, I�ll be fine. Steve pointed out the other day that I have more money than 95% of the world�s population. I said: yes, but I wish I interacted with more of them on a daily basis. And frankly when I do leave Gastro for whatever next thing I�m going to do, I don�t think anyone will be surprised.

I have so far avoided spelling anything out along these lines, but here�s what I�ve been thinking about since the weekend, and of course this is just me thinking out loud so don�t get all up in my Hibachi or anything and please don�t snort either if I should later change my mind: back to school for another undergraduate degree, this time � get me � a B.S. Something science-flavored which like I said will appeal to both the documentarian and the taxonomist, maybe molecular genetics or neurobiology or something like that. I loved my genetics class in college. I could go on and on but the idea is still so young I don�t want to damage its skin with too much exposure to light. What I�ll say in summary, though, is that a plan like this would offer the opportunity to go into different fields of work or indeed scholarship than I currently have access to, but also, if I wanted, to trick up the things I�m already doing. Like, a person could be a writer or project manager for a biotech outfit, a science journalist, ooh I just thought of this maybe a high-school biology teacher (and I don�t know why waking up at 4:55 for that seems not as bad as waking up at 4:55 to lecture on "The Scarlet Letter" or something, it makes no sense but there you go), a grant writer for an environmental non-profit, whatever. Or a person could later get an MPH and be a policy wonk, or, hell, she could end up going to grad school in something that is currently on the dark side of the moon. I could absolutely get into the UW as a new undergraduate � I�d almost be thrilled to be let at the SAT again, I�d eat it for lunch � and I could absolutely do the work, plus in the sciences there tends to be more scholarship money up for grabs, better funding in general, plus no brag but a female like me and I could avoid those epic battles of my intellectual pleasure centers vs. my conscience over the wank-wank-wank of liberal-artsy research and the self-shit-eating that is writing a dissertation. And just, my god, *thinking* about being back in school, thinking that I could have that� ohh, I can�t even tell you. So does that sound like a possibility to consider? Health insurance, research, I could go summers and finish in less than four years, I could get strange little part-time jobs, I could write for the school paper and build up a clips file � and fuck you if you are thinking Aren�t you a little old for that? because actually people do it all the time, and some people don�t do it who should and then they end up whiling away their lives sitting in a cubicle somewhere and getting bitterer by the day. And I will not let that be me.

Anyway, it�s only one idea. I have others, too. And here is a dissenting opinion about MFA programs (low on page), secondhand from a dude who should know, and it may ring true to me because I�m so eager to rationalize, but I am doing it anyway.

Yesterday afternoon I was shooting the shit with Nurse Pam, actually I was telling her about Ladies� Cocktail Night, and she asked me how old I was. I told her, and she said, "Oh, well, then you�re still young, it�s OK, you can enjoy yourself like that." And today I feel so shallow because I am dwelling on this, reading deep deep into the semantics of Nurse Pam�s reply and wondering whether she thought I was going to say an age that was older. How old did Nurse Pam think I was? Am I demented for half-wanting to ask? How old do I look? Universities, however, are all about diversity, and even though it makes me feel old if I put Plan B.S. up there into play, I should embrace myself, I should give myself a big wet kiss, as a Returning Adult Student. Maybe there is scholarship money earmarked just for them. Don�t scoff, there�s money for all sorts of things. I once had a friend who went to a private women�s college that gave six grand a year to the student who wrote the best essay about her non-traditional living arrangements and the politics that had motivated that decision, and one year she got it for writing that feminism was really about choices, including hers to follow her boyfriend across the country to his graduate program, transfer to a new school, and shack up with him.

Finally got around to seeing "The Quiet American" last night, and speaking of politics what a piece of dreck. The story has good bones. The cinematography is good. What the script concerns, however is a Vietnamese woman who is being fought over by two men, and since she is not given a personality or an inner life � since she doesn�t speak English very well and cannot read it � we must conclude that she is desirable because she�s beautiful, and that this beauty, even for the smart guys in question, is enough. And I guess what�s insulting to me is that the two-dimensional script doesn�t admit disagreement, it�s not enough that the two guys and the woman are copacetic with her being a condescended-to object � in addition to not being especially bothered with her take on the matter, both men also speak to her as if she�s a child and can�t figure out what�s going on without their gloss on the situation � but the screenwriter has assumed that all the viewers will be on board as well. The message is that women are there to either get rescued or not (this would be the woman�s ugly, manipulative sister) and that men are there to teach them this, since they couldn�t even figure that part out for themselves.

Oh, I don�t know. I just wrote all this and I asked myself what mainstream Hollywood movies I wouldn�t have the same complaints about, and then I thought of how easy it is for accomplished men of Michael Caine�s cohort to pick up much younger beautiful women and nobody expects them to be able to speak English either � just look at Hugh Hefner � and it�s just taken for granted: if you can, you do; wouldn�t you? And then I started to get crabby, and you will pardon me if I�d rather just nip that in the bud.

And speaking of the bud, Tom, ha ha you make me laugh, with me it�s all about the right to privacy and I am the farthest thing, thank you very much, from a pothead. Though I reserve the right to change my mind about that too.